#213 How to Handle a Dominant Colleague (Without Losing Your Cool or Confidence)

Lucy Gernon (00:06)

How do you handle a very dominant colleague? You know that one colleague who talks over people, who dominates every conversation, loves the airtime and so somehow gets praise for being assertive? You’ve probably had to deal with these people all year and now just as you’re crawling to the finish line at Christmas time, you’ve got to sit through one last meeting, one final review or worse, an awkward Christmas SLT party with them. And maybe you’re absolutely dreading it.

 

If this sounds like you, please tune into this week’s episode of the Three Six Leadership podcast, because I’m going to be taking you behind the scenes about exactly how my clients handle this. The tools they’re using, the phrases they’re using to actually take control back and make these meetings a lot more meaningful for them without the dread. So if that sounds like something that you want, tune in to today’s episode.

 

Welcome back to the Three Six Leadership podcast. I am your host, Lucy Gardner. And guys, we need to talk about a few things today that are that’s probably on your mind right now when it comes to certain colleagues. If you are listening to this. But before that, if you haven’t already liked and subscribed to the show or leaving me review, I would so appreciate if you would do those three things. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the show. You just give us a little bit of love on the on the content. And also, please leave me a review because it helps me to keep.

 

putting out this free content for you. I’ve never missed a week in almost four years. So as your Christmas gift to me, if you could do that, I would love you forever. And please share it with your female leader friends too, if you find today’s episode useful. Okay, so let’s talk about your colleagues. You know, it’s almost Christmas, you’re exhausted. We’re all running on fumes and you’re just trying to get through these last few days before Christmas. And then you see it in your calendar, that meeting with that person.

 

You know the one. I was actually on a group coaching call recently with our 360 members. And we talk a lot about, I do a lot of training and coaching on conflict management and relationships at work, because it’s the one thing I see that takes away a lot of your presence at home. It’s the thing that frustrates you. And it’s the thing that actually usually stops you from moving forward in your career and really having a joyful life.

 

So I was on a group coaching call a little while back with some of our members. And one of them who was a brilliant senior manager shared something that really stuck with me. And she told me that she used to play really small around VPs because she’d sit in meetings thinking they all think that they, you know, she was stupid, even though there was other people dominating the conversation. And she was saying things like, I don’t know, I’m only a senior manager. And then she realized that they’re not as actually close to the detail as she is.

 

and they’re hearing like the top level stuff and running with them. And sometimes what they’re saying is not even accurate. So even though there’s certain people in meetings that may be dominating and there might be other people who are talking over you when you’re in those senior leadership meetings, I want you to know that, you you have expertise that those stakeholders need. And just like my client, when you realize that, it changes everything.

 

But I do remember when I worked in corporate, December always seemed to be when tensions are high and dominant personalities just seemed to get worse. don’t know, maybe it was the stress or everyone trying to get their last word in before the year end. But the bulldozers, they go into overdrive. And I had this colleague once, let’s call him Dave, who dominated every conversation. Teams meetings. ⁓

 

you know, town halls, casual chats by the coffee machine. And one Christmas, he literally, I swear, I felt like he followed me around trying to interrupt every conversation I tried to have. And by the end of that night, I felt completely drained, like the energy had been literally sucked out of me. And I went home thinking, why didn’t I say something? Why did I just let him steamroll me again? And I remember I was in a meeting once and he

 

started to take credit for something that my team and I had done. And it was in that moment that I flip switched in me. And I’m going to share with you today what I said to him, because I want you to have the tools to be able to fix this. I’m going to share with you exact phrases you can use, why you freeze up if you do and not know what to say. And most importantly, how to protect your confidence while dealing with these energy vampires. OK?

 

So first, let’s start with why this happens, because I need you to understand, lovely lady, you are not weak. You’re not too sensitive. You’re not underperforming. You’re not you’re you’re just responding to what I call red energy. And when somebody dominates the space or interrupts you or dismisses your ideas or takes credit for your ideas, bulldozes the conversation their way, your nervous system is actually going into

 

fight or flight. It’s literally a physiological response that is natural and normal. So think about it. You’re in a meeting with your version of Dave and you start to articulate a point of view and boom, they cut you off. Your body is flooding with stress hormones, your prefrontal cortex, that logical thinking part of your brain literally goes offline and you might freeze. Now you may also rebel and get frustrated.

 

which is not going to do your leadership brand any favors. So you could people please either you could be too dominant yourself and fight back either way is not really where you want to be. Okay. All right. Like you might say something like, no, no, go ahead. It’s fine. It wasn’t important. What I was going to say anyway. Don’t say that. Or maybe you start over explaining, trying to justify why you deserve to speak. You know, that thing where you start rambling and you can hear yourself, but you can’t stop. Yeah.

 

And I remember this member I mentioned earlier, she told me that she gets literally pure red from the neck up when she is in high stakes conversations with people, if she has to assert herself, you know, she starts blushing and things. But I explained to her that’s not her nervous system. It’s her nervous system trying to protect you. It’s not a weakness, it’s biology. And she’s still asserting herself. She’s still setting her boundaries and she’s speaking up in uncomfortable conversations, which is something that we’re continuing to work on.

 

But another one of our members said that, I’m when I say members, I mean my clients in 360, which is my executive coaching and leadership development program. So if you want to check that out, head over to 360leadersclub.com or just go to lucygarnon.com and you will see it there too. Anyway, going back to what I was saying, this lady told me that when Dominic colleagues start talking over her, she literally goes blank and she forgets what she’s going to say.

 

And again, this is not weakness. It’s your nervous system reading the situations of threat. But here is what’s changed for these two ladies and it will change everything for you, One thing that you can do is tell yourself that what you have to say is interesting, that people want to hear from you. Even if Dominant Dave doesn’t want to hear from you, there’s other people in the room that do.

 

And dominant Dave may not may just need to hear your voice. Your input or insight may be the thing that’s going to solve or move the team forward in whatever you’re trying to do. It’s a simple mindset shift, but it has a huge impact. Remind yourself what you have to say is interesting. What you have to say is worth the aerospace. You don’t need to be louder than them. You certainly do not want to do.

 

what I’ve seen people do, which is to fight back. It’s actually about getting yourself into adult mode and you just need the right language and the right internal state. Okay. Now let’s get tactical. I’m going to give you some exact phrases. So if you’d like to take notes on these or get the notes up on your phone once you’re not driving and write them down, ⁓ these are really, powerful. So when you’re being interrupted, this is my favorite and I use it all the time. If someone interrupts you,

 

and starts talking over you, you don’t ask permission. You just say, Dave, I’d like to finish my thought and then I’m happy to hear yours. And then you continue talking. There’s no question mark. There’s no asking for permission. It’s just Dave, let me finish my thought and then I’m happy to hear yours. And then you just carry on. You don’t pause. You just keep going. It’s simple, direct. It’s not aggressive, but it’s absolutely clear. Or you could try something like

 

⁓ Dave, I’d like to complete my point before we move on. Now, notice I’m not saying, can I just finish what I was saying? That’s asking permission. It’s different if you’re saying, ⁓ I’d like to complete my point before we move on, because you’re stating what’s going to happen. And when they’re dominating the entire room, this is brilliant for meetings. You can say something like this. If they’re dominating and you have a different perspective and you’re just like, ⁓ how do I bring this in?

 

You can just say, hey, I just want to offer a different lens here. So you’re not saying they’re wrong. You’re adding perspective. So I’m to say that again. Instead of like saying, I think you’re wrong or contradicting them. I just want to offer a different lens here. And that’s much harder for them to argue with. Or you could say, yeah, that’s great. That’s that’s one way to look at it. And here’s another perspective to consider. So again, that’s one way to look at it.

 

Here’s another perspective to consider. Again, you’re not attacking, you’re actually expanding the conversation. It’s about expansion. Another thing, is for year end reviews. You know, when you are in performance discussions and, you know, maybe somebody that you’re in the discussion with is like talking, you’re not supposed to be talking. You can say something like, ⁓ before we wrap, there’s something I’d like to bring into the space.

 

love that phrase, bring into the space. It’s calm, intentional, it’s executive level language. It’s something I learned in coach training. I say it all the time. Like what would you like to bring into the space? Or I’d like to bring something into the space because even the word space from an NLP perspective, Neuro-Linguistic Programming is safety. So space means safety. So by you saying that, if somebody is, you know, you’re in a discussion with your boss and they’re talking when it’s supposed to be you, or they’re telling you how they think you performed,

 

you want to give a perspective before we wrap, there’s something I’d like to bring into the space, or you can use it in multiple scenarios. I love it. It’s really, really good. And then here’s my secret weapon phrase. So if you’re multitasking, come back to me.

 

I’m gonna just pause you there for a sec. And then you take back the conversation. It’s polite, but firm. And that word pause is temporary. So they don’t feel completely shut down, but it gives you back control. So like if somebody is going off on one, Dave, I’m just gonna pause you there for a sec. And then you just continue on what you’re saying. Pause and then do go back to him, right? That shows leadership. It shows you’re not afraid to go back into the conversation. Now here’s the thing.

 

that is really key. is not just what you say, it’s how you say it. So slow down. Seriously, slow right down. Because when we’re nervous, we can speed speak up or speed up and our egos can get evoked and speed sounds like panic. It’s something I have to work on when I get excited all of the time. I just have to say, Lucy, just slow down. Lower your voice slightly, not a whisper, bring it down a notch.

 

because low, slow voices command attention. Hold eye contact even if it feels uncomfortable, even if your inner people pleaser is screaming, hold it. Or even if you want to lunge across the table, don’t do it. And as I’m thinking back, that member of 360 that I spoke about, actually told me she practices these phrases in the mirror before difficult meetings.

 

Because the first time she said, let me finish my thoughts to her interrupting colleague, her voice shook. But she said it. And you know what? He actually stopped talking. And all she just said is, Dave, I just want to finish my thoughts. But yet we feel like these things are such a huge deal. And they are because you’re doing something different. And that’s the power of claiming your space. And here’s the thing that I want you to remember is that if someone else is loud,

 

or overbearing or reactive. That’s their stuff. You don’t need to fix everybody. You don’t need to shrink to make space for their bigness. And just because someone is more senior than you or more dominant than you definitely doesn’t mean they’re smarter than you. Honestly, it really, really doesn’t. And their volume does not have to determine yours.

 

Their urgency is not your emergency and their need to dominate does not mean you need to submit. So this week with all these Christmas year end meetings and people trying to get things wrapped up, you might not control who’s in the room, but you can control your breathing. Keep it deep and steady, even when they’re ranting and you feel frustration building. Your pace. Don’t speed up just because they’re

 

rapid firing at you, your tone, stay calm, measured even when they’re getting worked up, your body language, you can sit back, you can take up space, please don’t shrink in your chair, adapt a different persona and alter ego if this is too uncomfortable for you. And most importantly, lovely lady, your self-talk, because here’s what you need to be telling yourself. I’m allowed to take up space. My

 

Expertise matter here. I don’t need to justify my presence. And my favorite of all, their urgency is not my emergency. Okay, write these on a post that if you have to put them where you can see them during virtual meetings. I’m going to say them again. I’m allowed to take up space. My expertise matters here. I don’t need to justify my presence. And their urgency is not my emergency.

 

write them on a post-it, have them to hand and practice them and then they’ll become second nature. Some of my clients actually love in 360 mindset is such a huge part of what I do because it’s really foundational to great leadership, but also to happiness and joy and fulfillment in your life. And even when it comes to everything, like your mindset is just foundational, which is why I focus so heavily on it.

 

And I do have some affirmations in there and lots of my members were like, my God, I’m listening. We’ve a private podcast in 360 where there some affirmations that the girls get that they listen to. one of our most downloaded episodes over and over again for the days where they need like a Lucy pep talk before they do something. And I also have printed versions of my favorite affirmations that, you know, if you say them for 30 days every day, you’re just going to feel like a like superwoman. But whatever works for you.

 

So as we wrap up today’s episode, I invite you to reflect as we’re ending the year. How many meetings this year have you left feeling small? How many times have you replayed conversations thinking about what you should have said? How many dominant characters have you allowed to steal your confidence, your voice? Enough is enough, right? Enough is enough.

 

And if you’re thinking, right, Lucy, I am not going into next year like this. This is exactly what I need. I invite you to check out my free confidence masterclass. I recorded it last year and I’ve made it on demand because I know you’ll have some time over Christmas. It’s on demand for you. It’s called three secrets to lead with confidence and reclaim time and headspace for strategic thinking on yourself without firefighting and constantly overthinking everything. inside in this it’s an amazing 40 minute free training.

 

I’m going to show you exactly how to stop the post-meeting spiral after tough conversations, how to communicate like the calm, composed senior leader you really are, and how to rebuild your inner self-worth, your self-trust after years of second guessing yourself. It’s completely free and you can grab it at lucygarden.com forward slash masterclass because, lovely lady, the best gift you can give yourself this Christmas is not another bath set or a Santa candle. It is your confidence back.

 

OK, it is your confidence back. You deserve to take up space and own your voice. And if you do have time over this festive season and you’re thinking about coaching next year, please feel free to reach out to me. You can just submit an inquiry on my website, lucygarnon.com forward slash contact. We put all the links in the show notes. And or else if you want to apply to get into 360 leaders club, we do screen all of our applications. It’s exclusively for high achieving women and leadership from senior manager to executive level.

 

We do all of the things in there from executive coaching to leadership development training to like so much amazing stuff. If you like this podcast, you absolutely love 360. You can go to 360LeadersClub.com and check that out. So I invite you to consider that for next year for sure. And just before I close, before you go into that meeting this week, before you face that dominant person one more time, that makes you feel like crap about yourself. Remember,

 

You don’t have to match their energy. You don’t have to be loud to be heard. You don’t have to dominate to be powerful. Sometimes less is more. And you just need to stay grounded in your own authority, which is difficult to do. But you can do it. I know you can do it. And if they interrupt you, you’ve got the phrases. In fact, I think I’ll put these phrases in the newsletter this week. So if you’re on my email list, keep an eye out for the newsletter.

 

If you’re not on my email list, go to lucygarnon.com forward slash newsletter. I send out a Sunday night newsletter every week with some mindset mantras that you guys absolutely love. And I always teach you some tools and frameworks in there as well. So go over and pop your name down on that list. OK, so that is it for this week’s episode of the show. cannot believe we are almost at the end. I’ll be back in your earbuds on Christmas Eve. I’m going to record something.

 

short and sweet, a little pep talk for you. So come back for like five minutes next week and let’s end the year together. And genuinely, thank you so much for being such a valued podcast listener. I make this show for you and I do it every single week, come rain or shine. is tough to keep going at this sometimes. So I really do love hearing from my podcast listeners. I love seeing your reviews. I love seeing when our followers are growing or when you share it with colleagues or

 

you send me a message on Instagram or LinkedIn or an email to say what you’re enjoying about the podcast. Please give me a Christmas gift because your girl is tired from recording these all year. I’m tired and I really would love to hear from you. So reach out to me. Hello at lucygarn.com or LinkedIn or Instagram. And yeah, I would love to hear from you. So until next week to your success, balance and happiness, I hope you have a great week and I will see you then. Same time, same place. Bye for now.